Reflections on “The Weight of Love”

A few weeks ago, I listened to an episode of the podcast Death, Sex & Money called “The Weight of Love”, which involved people talking about their romantic lives and body size.

And even though I’m not currently dating (or interested in dating), and I never dated when I was really heavy, I could relate to a lot of things that came up. I thought I’d write about them in case you can relate, too.

Changing perspectives

Fairly early into the episode, one of the guests commented that he’s still a large man, and he has a feeling that other people might look at him and think of him as a fat guy. But at the same time, he found this funny because he’d lost 80 pounds that year.

This reminds me that it’s all about perspective, and we shouldn’t assume anything about a person or where they’re at based on body size.

I could also relate to the strange feeling of being considered overweight even after losing a lot of weight. By the time I’d lost 60 pounds, I still weighed 200 pounds, so it’s not like I was thin even though I’d lost a good percentage of my body weight.

Plus, even at lowest adult weight, I was still right on the BMI line for being “overweight”, but at the same time, if I told someone I’d lost half my body weight, they’d be super impressed. It can make for a strange dynamic.

Me in 2011, at my lowest weight

Love for fat people?

Another guest talked about how she grew up in the 1990s and internalized the messages that came then about obesity. Specifically, she believed that a fit, attractive man would never be with a fat woman unless he had a fetish or was secretly gay.

I really felt for her as I listened because I internalized those messages, too. I don’t remember seeing any images of a heavy woman in a healthy relationship with a man (and back in the ‘90s, it was almost always a relationship with a man) who wasn’t thin and good-looking. And when you believe that no one can love you because of your body size, it does a lot of damage.

So, I was glad to hear that this guest found a non-binary partner who loved her for all that she was, including loving her body.

You look so good!

This was another one I could relate to. A man who lost 165 pounds on his own said: “I still never know exactly how to react when someone tells you you look better because I didn’t think I looked like crap before.”

It seems impossible to get away from being told, “You look great!” or “You look so good!” when losing a significant amount of weight, and it’s a very mixed bag.

On the one hand, if you’re trying to lose weight, most people like hearing that others have noticed your weight loss and efforts to get there. You can even get a bit addicted to the compliments (I speak from experience) and start to expect them.

But at the same time, it’s impossible to miss the fact that if someone says, “You look great!”, the implication is that you didn’t before. That continues to feed the belief that fat = ugly, and if you gain any of the weight back – which most people do – it really messes with your self-esteem.

Plus, people may also lose weight because of medical conditions, in which case complimenting them on weight loss when they may feel like crap and be dealing with a lot isn’t great.

In general, my suggestion is to compliment someone for something unrelated to body size.

What’s the end goal?

I was also very interested in a discussion between a married couple, where Jim had lost a lot of weight, and his wife, Farrah, started wondering, “What is the goal? Like how are you gonna know when to stop?”

This was something I had to think about, too. I probably could have lost more weight than I did, but at some point I’d have to stop. Where would I draw the line?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me it came down to a couple of things. Initially my goal had been to get to the weight my mom had been, which was in the low 120s. But even before that, when I was around 135, I could start wearing her clothes. That always struck me as a bit odd, but it was also a good reminder that weight only says so much about someone’s body.

And when I got to 125, that’s when I really started to notice having quite a bit of loose skin. That was ultimately what made me decide I didn’t want or need to lose any more weight. But making that decision and finding that stopping point will be different for everyone.

Body size and relationships

Much as we might wish to pretend otherwise, body size does factor into relationships, and not just romantic ones. But that doesn’t mean that if you’re a larger person that you’ll never find love, or that if you’re a smaller person that everything will be great for you.

The best advice I can give on this is to be aware of how body size impacts your relationships, and to do your best to feel good about yourself. That will go a long way toward improving not only how you feel about yourself but how others perceive and treat you – and that’s true no matter how much you weigh.